If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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