the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
