Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
