True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
