she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
