come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
