She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
