The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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