Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
