so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
