she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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