You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
