on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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