I think my fart just growled at me.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Randomize
