I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Randomize
