Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
