If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
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