I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
So gin and wine won't be happening again
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Randomize
