That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
