how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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