When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
