I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Randomize
