i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Randomize
