I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
