you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Randomize