My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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