My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
