it's not cheating when I paid for it
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
