Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
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