I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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