he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
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