Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
