when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
