She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
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