Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
People in love make me want to vomit
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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