need another drink. this is the easiest way
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
