You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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