Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
whose parrot is this?
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize