just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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