You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
if i can run in heels then i can drive
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
FUCK WHALES
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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