Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
