I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
