yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
My hand turned me down
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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