In the future we'll all be gay
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
