Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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