on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
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