I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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