Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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