Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Randomize
