Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize