I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Randomize
