He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Randomize
