i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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