bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
