Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
