just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
