I showed him my bush... on skype.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
